My mother just said “you can do better” when I am thinking about how I hate people and children, but he is the only person I would ever remotely consider being the father of my child.
Really mom. If he proves to me that I can do better, then sure. But he keeps proving to be great and supportive and independent and NOT A SOCIOPATH (I guess my standards are pretty low) so who the fuck cares if he’s a chef for a living and doesn’t make a lot of money? Honey, I’m gonna make 6 figures. Shut up.
Yes. I just referred to my mother as honey. I would never say that to her face tho. I’m not 16 anymore.
UGH!! Money doesn’t fucking solve anything. The real problem is both of us not filing our taxes for years. That’s the most irresponsible thing either of us are guilty for. He has a savings and always makes money and is so much better at surviving than me. If I want to learn how to survive long enough to make the 6 figures (ie finish school and not die in the process) then I may need his help.
He can do better than me. I just want to mooch off his survival skills, have sex, and make him take out the trash. There’s love too, and being supportive and such, but mainly him taking out the trash.
"Trash! Go pick it up. Take them lights away.
Trash! Go pick it up. Don’t throw your love away.”
I do love him. So fucking much. I’ve been in many positions in my life and this is a very comfortable one. He’s so loyal, caring, genuine, and funny—I won’t throw that away. There’s no reason for me to look for anything better. I don’t even know what could be better than that. Probably nothing.
So, shut up mom.
(Watch me regret this in 20 years.)
tips to write college papers
- begin with “buckle your seatbelts, motherfuckers, because in eight short pages i am going to learn u a thing that i only learned myself about two hours ago, so sit down, shut up, and enjoy the experience of my 4-am-redbull-induced-self-hatred-fuelled-writing-extravaganza”
- erase when finished with the paper
BUT THIS ACTUALLY WORKS
MAKE SURE YOU ERASE IT THOUGH
Oh my fucking god you just saved my college career.
His roommates were NOT happy he wanted to leave so soon so…. I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again. It went from being a few days to the unknown.
Also, I just got over a nasty glutening (still kind of in progress) and yesterday my pain levels were at 5-6, pushing 7-8 by night. I was crying for no reason and basically overdosing on Tylenol. It’s been so long I forgot what this felt like. Fuck you chronic illness. FUCK YOU.
At least I didn’t have to deal with this and my period. That double whammy makes me wish for sweet, sweet death. Constipation, nausea, body aches, and migraines mixed with anything is just never a good time.
Today pain levels are around 3, and I’m emotionally unstable and highly irritable. Thus the bad news I received yesterday is sinking in. I’m angry I won’t get to see him, because I’m just mad at the world today, but I think it stems from getting my hopes up. I don’t like to do that and I did that, so it serves me right.
Maybe if I cry about it enough I’ll get my way. It worked towards getting a puppy when I was a kid. I just held him and cried and wouldn’t let go. Pretty sure I resorted to begging. I’ll do it again, damn it! I’ll drive up there, hold him, beg his roommates, and after forming a logical argument I’ll just start crying and make them feel bad. Stupid humans. (Omg I’m evil today.)
On that note, I’m going to eat something before I add hangry to the mix of emotions and problems that is my life today.
At this age, it’s really nice dating someone who is as equally committed to the relationship as I am. As equally committed to me as I am to him. He left, and I let him go, but he never really left me, and now he’s coming back. He realized what, and who, he left behind. Just like I realized he is a pretty rad guy and boyfriend, so he should do his own thing if he needs to, because why not? We’re human. We learn by doing. I’m glad we both did things separately and realized that’s not what either of us want. Both of us needed this lesson.
I couldn’t register today and it’s extremely frustrating. I have to see the counselor tomorrow morning, bright and early. I hope the problem can be fixed and I can register before the afternoon, otherwise I’m going to freak out. I HAVE TO GET INTO NYU. It’s my dream. Giving up now is just ridiculous. Blah.
We talked about the future last night. Our future. His plan can go one of two ways, and mine is pretty simple. If I end up in NY I said we should live together there. I’m not joking and he’s on board. Now I’m even more determined to get into NYU. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’ve got to try. He’s still going to try and survive in Philly for another month, but if he doesn’t land a job to help his career as a cook then he doesn’t want to stay. I don’t blame him. I’d love it if he were closer while I finish school in FL for a year. Then maybe we can move together, but we shall see. I just want to get into NYU so bad. I need to raise my GPA. It’ll happen. It has to happen.
I complain but I’ve never loved another human like I love him, so I’m willing to do this long distance thing, and he might want to come back because a) he misses me and b) he has nothing to there to “fight for” to keep him there. I told him I’d support whatever he wanted to do. Secretly I’m dying for him to be back in my arms, even if it means he won’t live in town but with his dad instead. That distance is nothing compared to this. He’s worth it all. I’m glad I’m worth it too.
All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.
Having a shitty day already. I feel sick to my stomach. Wish he was here. Or anyone for that matter. I can’t stand hanging out with couples. The only friends left in town are coupled up. It’s just too harsh of a reminder that I’m alone. That he’s so very far. That my best friends and family are far too. There’s no escaping how alone I am in the world. Moments like this make me feel very small.
Rainy days call for french music.